Stupid Saxophone Jokes


When should a saxophonist change his reed?

Whenever a difficult section comes up in the music score.

What's the difference between a saxophone and a vacuum cleaner?

You have to plug in the vacuum cleaner before it sucks.

If lost in the woods, whom do you ask for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?

The out-of-tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate that you're hallucinating.

You may be a redneck saxophonist if...

...You have an old bass sax up on blocks in your front yard.

...You spell it "saxaphone."

...You think the bell of your instrument is a great place to hold a longneck during a gig.

...The gun rack in your pickup truck holds a couple of old Buescher sopranos.

What is the difference between a saxophone and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

What's the difference between a garbage truck and a bass sax...
One's a massive, noisy, scum-encrusted hulk and the other is a public sanitation vehicle.

What's the difference between a tenor sax solo and a bottomless pit?
It's reasonable to hope that a bottomless pit won't go on forever.

What is the difference between a sax and a chainsaw?
- Chainsaws sound better in ensembles.
- Your neighbor gets upset if you don't return the chainsaw.
- Vibrato.
- The Grip.
- The Exhaust.

What is the difference between a bari sax and a 57 Chevy?
You can tune a 57 Chevy.

What's the difference between a tenor and a bari?
The bari holds bigger plants.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a crushed sax in the road?
Skid marks before the skunk.

What is the difference between a soprano sax and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop a soprano sax into little pieces.

What is the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad sopranino player?
The sopranino player could kill you.

What is the difference between government bonds and alto players?
Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

What's the difference between a dead snake lying in the middle of the road and the dead jazz tenor player lying beside it?
The snake might have been on its way to a gig.

What's the difference between the creationist theory of the origin of life and a bari sax?
The theory does not have as many leaks.

What do you call a "Naked Lady Conn"?

A man goes into a second hand shop. On the shelf is a brass rat.
"How much?".

"I'll take it".

He walks out with his brass rat heading for home. After half a mile he hears a scampering noise behind him, Looking round he sees a large black rat following him. A hundred yards further on and he is joined by hundreds of large black rats all following him. He comes to the town square and passes a number of busking saxophonists.

Past the square he turns down a side street. The rats are closer now and he is becoming frightened. He runs. They run. He turns left down the river bank and in panic throws the brass rat into the river. All the black rats veer off and jump into the river and drown.

The next day he passes the second hand shop again. He goes in and inquires if they have for sale a brass saxophone?
Contributed by

One day, Saint Peter was interviewing a group of men to see if they should be let into Heaven...
He asked the first man what good deeds he had done in his life. "Well, I struck it rich in the oil business when I was young. While I was alive I earned a few million and donated half of that to charity." "Very good. Go on in," said Saint Peter.

"What did you accomplish in your lifetime?" he asked the second guy. "I invested in Microsoft and made three billion dollars. I left it to my children so that now none of my children, grandchildren, or great-grandchildren will ever have to work," he proudly replied. "That's amazing!" exclaimed Saint Peter, "Go on in".

Now the third person walked slowly up to Saint Peter. "What did you do to better the world?" Saint Peter asked. "Well, I only made five thousand dollars", he replied humbly. Saint Peter then asked, "What instrument did you play?"

How many psychologists does it take to change a sax mouthpiece?
Only one, but the mouthpiece must be willing to change!

How is a tenor solo like a sneeze?
You can tell it's coming but you can't do anything about it.

Mabel and Ethel were walking down the street one day, when Ethel spied a frog sitting on the sidewalk...
"Help me, help me!" the frog said, "I used to be a classical saxophonist, but an evil witch turned me into a frog. The only way to break the spell is to kiss me. Help me, help me!" So Ethel picked the frog up, put it in her pocketbook, and they continued to walk along. Shortly, the frog popped out of Ethel's pocketbook, and repeated (in its inimitable way), "Help me, help me! I used to be a classical saxophonist, but an evil witch turned me into a frog. The only way to break the spell is to kiss me. Help me, help me!" Ethel picked the frog up, put it back in her pocketbook, and they continued to walk along. "Why'd you do that?" asked Mabel. "Why didn't you kiss the frog and break the evil spell?" "Frankly," replied Ethel, "you can make a heck of a lot more money with a talking frog than with a classical saxophonist!"

Why can't sax players play punk music?
Ever tried to play sax with a pierced lip?

What do you say to a sax player in a three-piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise.

Why can't you hear a soprano on a digital recording?
Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all extraneous noise is eliminated.

What do you call a saxophonist without any money?
A professional.

Why don't tenor players play hide-and-go-seek?
No one will look for them.

How do alto players greet each other?
"Hi. I'm better than you".

What does a lawsuit and a saxophone have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

What's the definition of a "nerd"?
Someone who owns his own C melody sax.

What do you call a bari sax player with half a brain?

Why are bari saxes so big?
It's just an optical illusion. The baris aren't big, it is just that the players' heads are so small.

Why are altos so small?
It's just an optical illusion. The altos aren't small, it is just that the player's heads are so big.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the saxophone recital.

What do you call a saxophonist after his girlfriend breaks up with him?

What would a tenor player do if he won a million dollars?
Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

Why is a bari sax a divine instrument?
Man blows into it but only God knows what comes out.

A saxophonist comes home late from a gig...
Too tired to carry her sax upstairs, she decides to leave it in the car for the night. When she wakes up she heads to her car only to see the back window smashed in. When she looks inside she sees two saxes.

One day Timmy came home from school very excited...
"Mommy, Mommy, guess what? Today in English I got all the way to the end of the alphabet, and everyone else got messed up around 'P'!" His mother said, "Very good, dear. That's because you're a bari player." The next day, Timmy was even more excited. "Mommy, Mommy, guess what! Today in math I counted all the way to ten, but everyone else got messed up around seven!" "Very good, dear," his mother replied. "That's because you're a bari player." On the third day, Timmy was beside himself. "Mommy, Mommy, today we measured ourselves and I'm the tallest one in my class! Is that because I'm a bari player?" "No dear," she said. "That's because you're 27 years old."

What is the least used sentence in the English language?
"Isn't that the saxophonist's Porshe?

What does "Da Capo" mean to a tenor player?
Go back to the beginning but play it right this time.

How do you get a jazz tenor to play softer?
Give him some music.

How do you get a jazz tenor to stop playing?
Put notes on the music.

Two bari players walk past a bar...
Hey, it could happen.

Why is playing the soprano sax like throwing a javelin blind folded.
You don't have to be good to get someone's attention.

In an emergency, a jazz tenor player was hired to do some solos with a symphony orchestra...
Everything went fine through the first movement, when she had some really hair-raising solos, but in the second movement she started improvising madly when she wasn't supposed to play at all. After the concert the conductor came round looking for an explanation. She said, "I looked in the score and it said `tacit'- so I took it!"

What do alto players use for birth control?
Their personalities.

Two bari players walk into a bar.
What's funny is that you would think the second one would have seen the first one do it.

Why do sax players wear their neckstraps around?
So they can get disability discounts.

What do you call a tenor player with a beeper?
An optimist.

How do you know if a saxophonist is at your door?
His hat says "Pizza Hut".

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a saxophonist's car?
Take off the Pizza Hut sign.

Why do sax players leave their reeds on their car's dash?
So they can park in handicapped spaces.

What calendar does a bari player use for his gigs?

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of alto players...
They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one alto player every hour.

What does a jazz sax player say at a gig?
Do you want fries with that?

How many C melody sax players can you fit into a phone booth?
All of them.

There is a man on a boat that is in a shipwreck...
The boat crashes on a jungle island and the man is greeted by natives. In the distance, he hears the sound of drums. He asks what the drums are for and the chief answers, "The drums must not stop." The man is forced to stay the night in the natives' village. All through the night the drums keep on going so he got no sleep at all during the night. He got up in the morning and went to the chief again, begging him to know why the drums couldn't stop. The chief answered, "Because, when drum solo stop, sax solo start."

Why did Adolph Sax invent the saxophone?
He hated mankind but couldn't build an atomic bomb.

How To Play The Saxophone:

First things first: If you're a white guy, you'll need a stupid hat, the more stupid the better and preferably a beret.

Sunglasses are optional, but all the really, really good players wear them, especially indoors.
You'll also need some "gig shirts"-Hawaiians are good, but in a pinch anything with a loud floral pattern is acceptable, as are T-shirts from various jazz clubs and festivals. The good thing about the latter is that you can get them mail order so you don't have to go to all the trouble of actually seeing and hearing live music. And sandals are an absolute must, even in winter.

Once you've assembled the proper attire you can begin practicing. One of the most important things about playing is being able to convey emotion to the audience. This you do through various facial expressions.

The two emotions you'll need to convey are (1) rapture / ecstasy and (2) soul wrenching pain and sadness (i.e., the blues). You may find it useful in the beginning to borrow a page from the method acting school. So, for example, to convey rapture, try thinking of something nice-like puppy. (naughty part deleted)

To convey the "blues" try thinking of something really appalling-like ulcerative colitis or Alec Baldwin.

You should practice your facial expressions in front of a mirror at least two hours per day. You may feel a tad stupid at first, but you'll never get the chicks if you don't jump around on stage like a monkey-with your face screwed up like there's a rabid wolverine devouring your pancreas. And, bottom line, getting chicks is really what music's all about.

Next, you'll need the correct ligature.

Some people think that the ligature is just a stupid old piece of metal that holds the reed on the mouthpiece. Well, those people are idiots. Besides your beret, the ligature is the single most important piece of musical equipment you will ever buy.
Mine, for example, is 40% platinum and 60% titanium; one screw is rubidium and the other plutonium. It makes me sound exactly like Booker Ervin would if Booker Ervin wasn't (1) dead and/or (2) living on Mars.

You may have to spend years and years and thousands of dollars finding the proper ligature, but in the end it definitely will be worth it.
Now reeds. Optimally, you'll want to move to Cuba, grow and cure your own cane, and carve your own reeds by hand. If you're just a "weekend warrior" however, you can get by with store-bought.

First, buy ten boxes of reeds -100 in all. Next, open all the boxes and throw away 60 reeds.
Those were unplayable. Take the remaining reeds and soak them in a mixture of 27.8% rubbing alcohol and 72.2% pituitary gland extract for a period of 17 weeks.

Throw away 20 more reeds. Those were stuffy.

Take the remaining 20 reeds and sand each one for exactly 13 seconds with #1200 grade 3M sandpaper.

Throw away 14 reeds. Those squeaked.

Take the remaining 6 reeds and soak them for another 17 weeks, this time however in a mixture of 27.8% pituitary gland extract and 72.2% rubbing alcohol.
Sun dry the 6 remaining reeds for 3 weeks, optimally at an equatorial latitude, and throw away 3 more just on general principles.

You now have 3 reeds that will last you several months if you play each one only 20 minutes a day in strict rotation.
Now, you say you just bought a horn. Although you didn't say what kind it is I'd sell it immediately and get a different one.

The best one to get would be a Selmer Mark VI made at 4:27 PM on June 14, 1963, serial number 635543. If you can't get that one though, generally speaking the older and more expensive the better.

The following brands are good: Selmer Paris Mark VI. The following brands suck: any other Selmer, Yamaha, Conn, Beuscher, Yanigasawa, Cannonball, LA, Jupiter, Elkhart, King, Martin, Keilworth, Boosey and Hawkes, Couf, Silvertone, and Holton. On no account should you play the horn before you buy it: go strictly on reputation and price.

You will also need some accoutrements: a flight case capable of withstanding atmospheric pressure of dP = - Dg dz where D and g are, respectively, the density of air and the acceleration due to gravity at the altitude of the air layer and dz is a horizontal layer of air having unit surface area and infinitesimal thickness; a metronome; a tuner; a combination alto-tenor-baritone sax stand with pegs for an oboe, bass clarinet, flute, english horn and bassoon; Band in a Box; every Jamie Abersold play-along record ever created; a reed cutter; swabs, cleaners, pad savers, pad dope, pad clamps; a Sennheiser Digital 1092 Wireless Microphone; an effects rig with digital delay and parametric EQ; and a 200 watt (per channel, minimum) amplifier and 18" monitor.
It will be helpful if you listen to lots of sax players. Unfortunately, listening solely to players you like is absolutely the worst thing you can do.

To really understand the music and its traditions you have to go back to the beginning and listen to every bit of music ever recorded. I'd start with madrigals and work forward. Once you get to the 20th century, pay particular attention to players like Jimmy Dorsey, Sidney Bechet, and Al Gallodoro who are the foundations of the modern jazz saxophone.

In no time at all, or by 2034-whichever comes first-you'll be able to understand the unique be-bop stylings of players like Ace Cannon, Boots Randolph, and Sam Butera.

Finally, to play the sax itself, blow in the small end and move your fingers around.
from: "fundoc"